Beard Rape: A Serious Crime

Yesterday, May 13th in the Year of Our Lord 2007, a group of men lured me to a dark corner of a bar with the promise of alcohol and frozies. They then held me down and shaved my beard into a moustache. I was violated and, having no recourse, eventually gave up struggling and allowed a dad stache to be cut into my face. It was humilating and defiling.

So let this be a warning to all men with beards; in the month of May(stache), do not grow a beard against the wishes of others, and definitely do not take a shot of anything resembling iced tea. And keep an eye on that Beefy B guy. He played college ball, is from Kansas, does work and can make it rain out here all day.

Tomorrow night Bjork and the love of my life Joanna Newsom are doing one at Red Rocks. There is gonna be a truckbed party...if you want to be down bring tall boys and get there early. You know the number.