Saturday, August 19, 2006

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

I fucking hate yuppies.

Last night I wanted to punch about eight different people- which is a bit out of character but would've been worth the change in belief system. Making 50K a year doesn't impress me; being able to handle yourself out in public does. Since the start of the summer, Pete's downtown has shifted from counter-culture gathering place to standard LoDo douchebar. It's like a yuppie Unicron ate our indie Cybertron. We still have a steadfast group of local regulars, but they have since been outnumbered.

These...I don't know how to describe them...pieces of shit? That works. These pieces of shit are rude, obnoxious, and obviously have something to prove, judging by the enormity of the chips on their shoulders. And none of them can hold their liquor worth a damn. Here is one recent example of doucebaggery.

The other night an uberdouche was meandering down the Mall, kicking over trashcans and yelling into his phone. There was trash all over the street in his wake. As he passed by the patio at Pete's, some of the locals were mocking him; it was hilarious. A big lumbering oaf who LOVES the Broncos, Hooters, and his unfortunate faux-hawk (seriously guy- maybe pick up an AP or something- just combing your hair up and into the center of your head ain't gonna cut it), screaming crazy bullshit into his phone and knocking over city trashcans. He looked like a right twat.

This man did not find a whole patio of people laughing at him funny, and immediately walked up to the railing with that awesome look of total drunk crazy in his eyes, "whosgat a probbum wime? Huh? you ga fugga probbum?". There was a few exchanges of words, and finally a very drunk regular we are quite fond of named Marcie attempted to coerce this man to leave. He immediately stuck two middle fingers in her face and shoved her out of his way. And that was it! What everyone seemed to be waiting for- "he hit a girl, brah". After seeing that there was upwards of 15 dudes who were ready to annihilate him he backed off, walked across the street, and hopped right into the drivers seat of his Porsche. A resounding chorus of "boo" came up and he flew out of the car and raced across the street, racking himself on the railing as he attempted to jump it. Another favorite regular Matt jumped in and held the man at bay, but there was too much laughing going on. He took his shirt off (yes!) and rushed some guy who he thought was talking shit (who of course was not talking shit) and was instantly dropped by someone much smaller than him.

The guy finally left, defeated, and as he took off in his car he ran a red light. Pretty amazing. We had called the cops earlier, and by the time they arrived, the dude had already been picked up on a DUI. So, we kinda saved a life that night- maybe it was just that piece of shit's life, but I like to pretend it was the life of an unwed mother of three coming home from a double shift at McDonalds.

I know I sound like a snob, fitting the Pete's MO of being better than everyone, but it is hard to deal with stupid people all the time. They wait two minutes for a drink, get mad and talk shit, snap their fingers, then have neither their order ready nor money out when it's time to settle up. I make a significant amount of 'bank' off of these people, but sometimes the sheer ignorance of these folks is too much to take. So I blog about it, and count hundred dollar bills.


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